I wanted to write about what is going on in my life right now.
Thursday morning, Chris and I filed for divorce…in 60 days it will be final. Yesterday and today have been spent packing and moving me into my Brother and Sister-in-law’s new apartment. I will be staying there for the next 2 months and hopefully moving to Kansas City afterward.
Currently I am looking for a job…so I can save some money for said move.
For those of you who are wondering, Siah will be staying with Chris till I get settled in then we will set up a joint custody order. Please pray for all of us, as this will be a big change. So far everything is just falling into place, which is really cool.
existence, not at all trivial but most commonplace…
Only in the awakening of the soul should one’s existence have consequential meaning. The senses revived after a frightfully torpid state. The fragments of a heart begin fervently pounding after One which is unattainable at the set tempo.
Pulling themselves together, forming a whole. functioning. strong. unit.
Straining. Longing. Forever Grasping.. at the Actuality of something outside this set state of reality.
Something real. Yet so far in the way of understandable concept. Something sure. Yet undeniably sureal.
something is shifting in the paradigm of my trivial existence.
as if there is a symphonic heartbeat were the cold relic of my heart once hoped.
hope being the key that was ripped by some despot from my grasp…now I find it dangling in front of me. calling out to me…taunting me even.
yet, I hope against hope, fearing nothing but the catatonic state in which I have found myself. despising the waking hour and yearning for something more. I.NEED.something.more.
this is my 100th post….hard to believe and kinda sad as well. simply cause I should have posted so much more by now…::sigh::
I am on a rollercoaster of emotion and decision. I know what I want…just not how to attain it. This fact is tearing away at me bit by bit….Something has to change. What I want to change seems impossible what I need to change unattainable.
What my heart truly, unrepentantly desires…..well….that will be kept tucked away in the quite little corners of my heart. He knows….that is what matters.
so after a lot of talk and some forward steps….Chris and I have decided that things aren’t over.
He said that the comment he made was because I have said the same of him. Now mind you I have…in a way. Once a long time ago, he asked me a very hard question….he asked why it is that I have so many convictions, ideas, and insights from Papa…and why I don’t put action to them. My answer was very simple…”because I can’t live fully for God when you’re not doing the same”.
I know many people would say “what a cop out”, sure, you can see it that way. The fact of the matter for me is I have always seen a lot in the spirit. This is not to say I am all this or all that…it has just been life for me. I know I am a sinner, I know I screw up royally on a daily basis..but I also know what I see…and I know it is from God.
In this, I have the understanding that there are things that I am called to do…chosen to do even. Those particular things are not that which the enemy wants to see come to pass. he will, and has done all that he can to stop or even pospone the process. When I got married, I chose to place myself under the protection or “head” so to speak of my husband…if he is not where the Lord needs/wants him to be…I am basically unprotected…my child is basically unprotected. Many people might not agree with this “theory”, however, Papa has used a friend of mine to show me this basic principal over and over again. When she was married to an ungodly man, any time she stepped out in faith to do Papa’s works…her family…her children were attacked. Sickness came, finances left…it was horrible to watch. But it was in direct relation to her walk with Christ VS her husbands walk. She had no covering! Of course Papa never left her…He was always by her side as with her kiddos. But there WAS something very important missing…an enormous factor that could have made ministry a tad bit easier. Her HUSBAND! Had he been the head under Christ that he was meant to be, Had he been the praying man that he IS still called to be (and I fully believe will be) life for this family would be very different.
I refuse to do this with out him, while still with him. I will not put my child or myself through that. I admire my friend for having the courage to do what she did (ministry wise) but I have learned a lot from her as well. So with that said…there are things that I WILL NOT do without my husbands support and protection. He was placed as the head for a reason and until we are united in the battle zone…I will stand by and pray.
There is something about to change….drastically change…not only in my life.
Looks like a divorce is in my future. I can’t say that I didn’t expect it, but to be told that the only way my husband will ever be able to follow God is without me really hurt. I guess it is OK, cause I feel like Papa is flushing my life out of all the crap..if marriage is part of that…who am I to disagree….lol.
I just don’t know what to do about this or anything else right now. It looks like a trip out of state is forming…I really need to get away so I can think straight! I am so tired here and I feel like my brain is fuzzy! UGH!
if you know me, you know what an important number this has been for me..it is as a kiss from God. A direction, a word, a choice.
if you know me, you know that my heart is to minister to the poor..to street kids as well as adults. To LOVE them as HE has loved me when the rest of the world shuns them.
today I am on facebook and a friend of mine from TBI posts a video to a Nickelback song…
the lyrics are AMAZING!!
Anywho…this friend posts a portion of the lyrics…
“Would you donate every dime you have?
And would you call old friends you never see..
Reminisce memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above,
That you’ll finally fall in love?
If today was your last day”
Then goes on to talk about Luke 12 and how Jesus is telling his disciples not to worry about anything cause basically God’s got their back. One thing Jesus did say (yes it is a command, nowhere in this portion of scripture does He say..wait on God, or if you feel like you should..or maybe do it..he says clear as day. Oh and this isn’t the portion of scripture where He is speaking directly to the rich man), “sell all you have and give alms” (give to the poor). This is something that I have been really really dealing with for the last 2 or 3 years. Today revelation hit me like a ton of bricks, earlier today I asked God for forgiveness, for Him to break me and ruin me for all else but HIM. Then I log on to blueletterbible.org to read this chapter of scripture. And I see something I have never seen before!!
Sell that ye have, and give alms; provide yourselves bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither moth corrupteth.
I see the address of said passage and as I glanced over it I read Luke 3:33 instead of 12:33. Of course this catches my attention cause, hey I though I was on chapter 12. I look back and realize I am on chapter twelve…wait..what? Huh? then that still small voice says loud and clear…what is 1+2…3
So I guess I am not that far out on left field, as some would have me believe…and I will probably start having some yard sales here soon..♥ Papa, I love you! Thank you for your daily mercy and grace and for quick clear direction. I LOVE You!
On mothers day I asked Chris (jokingly) if I could have a puppy. He of course said NO! That afternoon he is outside grilling and calls me to step out. What do my eyes behold…a puppy. Not for me of course, just a stray that came to the smell of food cooking. I fell in love instantly. She was covered in fleas and STARVING for food and attention. I fed her, played with her and then stepped in (I didn’t want to get too attached after all). She fell asleep on the doorstep, so I asked Chris to run to the store to get some puppy grub. By the time he came back she was gone. I told Chris that if she came back I wanted to keep her, he said “I’ll think about it”. A few days go by and nothing, I kept an ever watchful eye out…but still NOTHING! I had pretty much given up, when I hear some commotion from Chris and Olga (MIL) outside. I step out and see her!!
I talked it over with the FIL and he agreed that although her owners probably lived on the street, she has no collar, no tags, is covered in fleas, starving and is technically a stray. I told him and Chris that if I was not allowed to keep her I wanted to at least take her to the animal shelter. They would clean her up and get her adopted (she is SUPER cute). In the end it was decided that I could keep her but if someone came knockin on the door looking for her I would give her back. So far nothing! If she ever left home I would be going door to door, posting fliers, making phone calls…basically doing everything in my power to get her back. NOTHING…so I assume I was right in thinking she was completely neglected or she just roamed here from some other area. None the less I have an amazing new pups! It took 3 baths and a lot of combing to get the fleas off her.
But she is clean now and fully loved!! Her name is Patchouli..I know this goes against our usual Japanese names but oddly enough it is the only thing she would respond to..lol.
We took her to the vet today to make sure that she didn’t have worms or anything else and she is clean of all parasites!! She got her vaccs and probably her first puppy check up! Here she is at the Vet…sorry it is just a crappy blackberry photo!
To our most bitter opponents we say: throw us in jail and we will still love you. Bomb our houses and threaten our children and we will still love you. Beat us and leave us half dead, and we will still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.
