marriage: FAIL :

This is my final post on this blog….

I wanted to make it a tribute to my failed marriage…lol

Here are the Lyrics:

I should be ashamed for what you’ve done to me
It’s only happened because I let it be
But no more

You are not wrong, you who believe
Your will defines your destiny
But if you act in selfish fear
Then the truth means nothing

You are not wrong if you perceive
The message veiled in mystery
But if we bury what we dream
We’re left with what remains

There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled

I’m taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I’m taking back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave

You are not wrong if you believe
Perception works its alchemy
And I become the phoenix once again
Transforming destiny

We brace before the fates descending
With resolution never ending
As Nike stands her shield before me
Sophia guide my hand

There is no vision that we surrender
Breathless time can take no prisoners
My avatar, I call you to return
And the cycle is fulfilled

I feel the wishfire burning cold
Black wings to fill the sky unfold
And nothing takes from God his storm
See the angels’ eyes transform

I’m taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I’m taking back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave

And how they apply to my failed marriage:

I could have said no…knowing it was wrong to stay and say yes I let it be, I allowed you to do what you have done to me…no more

Knowing the will of HIM who created us, going against that and choosing our own will nullified the truth we knew.
It was selfish of us to choose marriage because of a pregnancy. Fear is what willed us.

I buried my dreams and was left with not…

(Chorus is pretty self explanatory…)

I’m taking back my love, taking back my pride
Taking back my dreams and my life
This is the ground I will defend
A rage of angels bears the end

I’m taking back my hope, taking back my goals
Taking back my memories and my soul
This brand is forged to my crusade
Quicksilver, the future belongs to the brave

I am able to change my perception and destiny…I will TRANSFORM from glory to glory!

Victory and Wisdom stand resolute by my side

It is great to be FREE, free to be me, free to live, and love and be all the things that were buried 5 YEARS ago!

one day…

I will learn that I shouldn’t ask questions that I don’t REALLY need the answer to. Or maybe I will just learn how to keep my mouth shut!

so I have waited this long but..

I wanted to write about what is going on in my life right now.

Thursday morning, Chris and I filed for divorce…in 60 days it will be final. Yesterday and today have been spent packing and moving me into my Brother and Sister-in-law’s new apartment. I will be staying there for the next 2 months and hopefully moving to Kansas City afterward.

Currently I am looking for a job…so I can save some money for said move.

For those of you who are wondering, Siah will be staying with Chris till I get settled in then we will set up a joint custody order. Please pray for all of us, as this will be a big change. So far everything is just falling into place, which is really cool.

Hope to hold….

existence, not at all trivial but most commonplace…

Only in the awakening of the soul should one’s existence have consequential meaning. The senses revived after a  frightfully torpid state. The fragments of a heart begin fervently pounding after One which is unattainable at the set tempo.

Pulling themselves together, forming a whole. functioning. strong. unit.

Straining. Longing. Forever Grasping.. at the Actuality of something outside this set state of reality.

Something real. Yet so far in the way of understandable concept. Something sure. Yet undeniably sureal.

A dream like state is where I am found

-where I am enraptured.

Dreaming. hoping

-where hope was no longer found…it springs forth

no longer catatonic.

fear is behind me. I trust. I hope.

doubt far from me, for…

I trust. I hope.

up in arms

something is shifting in the paradigm of my trivial existence.

as if there is a symphonic heartbeat were the cold relic of my heart once hoped.

hope being the key that was ripped by some despot from my grasp…now I find it dangling in front of me. calling out to me…taunting me even.

yet, I hope against hope, fearing nothing but the catatonic state in which I have found myself. despising the waking hour and yearning for something more. I.NEED.something.more.

I need hope.

WOW!!!

this is my 100th post….hard to believe and kinda sad as well. simply cause I should have posted so much more by now…::sigh::

I am on a rollercoaster of emotion and decision. I know what I want…just not how to attain it. This fact is tearing away at me bit by bit….Something has to change. What I want to change seems impossible what I need to change unattainable.

What my heart truly, unrepentantly desires…..well….that will be kept tucked away in the quite little corners of my heart. He knows….that is what matters.

UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!

UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!UGH!!!…….

UGH!!!

That is all…

Today

I woke up feeling different, really really different….I don’t know why.

It is back…the thing that was missing from my life…from my being.

I don’t even know what it was/is…but I just feel like me again. So strange.

I am ready to move forward..whatever that means and where ever that leads me.

Changes..

so after a lot of talk and some forward steps….Chris and I have decided that things aren’t over.

He said that the comment he made was because I have said the same of him. Now mind you I have…in a way. Once a long time ago, he asked me a very hard question….he asked why it is that I have so many convictions, ideas, and insights from Papa…and why I don’t put action to them. My answer was very simple…”because I can’t live fully for God when you’re not doing the same”.

I know many people would say “what a cop out”, sure, you can see it that way. The fact of the matter for me is I have always seen a lot in the spirit. This is not to say I am all this or all that…it has just been life for me. I know I am a sinner, I know I screw up royally on a daily basis..but I also know what I see…and I know it is from God.

In this, I have the understanding that there are things that I am called to do…chosen to do even. Those particular things are not that which the enemy wants to see come to pass. he will, and has done all that he can to stop or even pospone the process. When I got married, I chose to place myself under the protection or “head” so to speak of my husband…if he is not where the Lord needs/wants him to be…I am basically unprotected…my child is basically unprotected. Many people might not agree with this “theory”, however, Papa has used a friend of mine to show me this basic principal over and over again. When she was married to an ungodly man, any time she stepped out in faith to do Papa’s works…her family…her children were attacked. Sickness came, finances left…it was horrible to watch. But it was in direct relation to her walk with Christ VS her husbands walk. She had no covering! Of course Papa never left her…He was always by her side as with her kiddos. But there WAS something very important missing…an enormous factor that could have made ministry a tad bit easier. Her HUSBAND! Had he been the head under Christ that he was meant to be, Had he been the praying man that he IS still called to be (and I fully believe will be) life for this family would be very different.

I refuse to do this with out him, while still with him. I will not put my child or myself through that. I admire my friend for having the courage to do what she did (ministry wise) but I have learned a lot from her as well. So with that said…there are things that I WILL NOT do without my husbands support and protection. He was placed as the head for a reason and until we are united in the battle zone…I will stand by and pray.

There is something about to change….drastically change…not only in my life.

Be prepared.

Goodbye….

Looks like a divorce is in my future. I can’t say that I didn’t expect it, but to be told that the only way my husband will ever be able to follow God is without me really hurt. I guess it is OK, cause I feel like Papa is flushing my life out of all the crap..if marriage is part of that…who am I to disagree….lol.

I just don’t know what to do about this or anything else right now. It looks like a trip out of state is forming…I really need to get away so I can think straight! I am so tired here and I feel like my brain is fuzzy! UGH!